Nap-time Ramblings
- Alaina
- Jun 26, 2017
- 2 min read
I just found this journal entry from about three years ago. It was when Dragon was Monkey's age and Rat was only 5. Oddly I am going through something similar now with Monkey. Take a look and let me know your thoughts. Does letting go ever get easier?
I’m sitting here listening to my baby cry. I guess he is no longer a baby, but a toddler. He turned one last Friday and is walking all over, exploring the world. I often nurse him to sleep. I feel guilt about this statement. I think to myself, I took the easy way out. At the time it seemed best. It all depends on what theory you follow. I’m torn. I do believe that babies need their moms and he sure did/does love to nurse. However, now I have a cranky baby who only falls asleep if I nurse him. I have these images of having to nurse him when he is 5.
Anyway, he did not fall asleep while nursing today. He nursed and was still awake but tired. I put him in his crib and sat with him while he screamed and threw his toys. I sat there and sang while he pushed my hands away and kicked and cried. Then he calmed down and was smiling and laughing at me. This was not the plan. It is nap time Buddy.
So I turned on his musical star and left the room. I had been up there for half an hour and needed to check on my 5 year old son who is in front of the TV. More guilt. Am I doing the right thing? Should I pick him up? Am I breaking our bond of trust? He wasn’t happy when I was holding him. I listen. He isn’t screaming anymore, just sort of talking to himself. I wait.
He seems to have fallen asleep now. It actually worked. This is bittersweet. I am happy he fell asleep on his own. He needs to be able to do this. But then, that is one more tiny separation from me. I’m feeling quite nostalgic this week. Rat starts kindergarten next week and Dragon is now one. My babies are growing up. Where does that leave me?
This is the question so many of us have. I am a good mother. I put all of my energy into doing the best I can for my babies. I am raising them to not need me and it’s working. Now what?
